


No Other Shade Of Blue

by Imogen_LeFay



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Miscommunication, self-indulgent rambling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27383410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay
Summary: Sebastian knew from the start that it wasn't sustainable. Having Blaine in his life in some capacity should be better than not having him at all. But in the end, he's not as cynical as he thought, and friends with benefits isn't nearly enough.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	No Other Shade Of Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so as a warning, this ficlet basically has 2 parts: the first one with self-indulgent angsty rambling, which I just found recently on my laptop and had completely forgotten about, and the second one in which something happens, which I just wrote because I felt like posting something.
> 
> US election results are coming in, and while I'm not American and therefore it doesn't really concern me, you can probably imagine the whole world is looking at this with a certain anxiety. Can't imagine what it feels like for you guys. So, guess stay strong, take care of yourselves, and indulge yourselves in whatever makes you feel good right now, while we're all hoping for the best.
> 
> (title is from "hoax" by Taylor Swift)

* * *

It was not sustainable.

Sebastian had accepted a long time ago that his life wouldn’t be like this. No fairy tales, no grand, sweeping romance. When he’d realized he was gay, he’d immediately known, he wouldn’t fit into the plans his parents had made for him. He may have considered for a while to pretend, to fit into the mold meant for him. But he had known even back then, he wouldn’t be able to sustain it. The truth would come out sooner or later, and he’d be abandoned. Why prolong the inevitable? So he had become the disappointment he’d always known he’d be to his family, and he hadn’t looked back.

Until he’d met Blaine.

It could have been just another game, adding the collective obsession of all the warblers as his next conquest. It could have been just that. But he hadn’t been prepared for the reality of Blaine. As much as he’d tried not to get attached to anyone (and disappoint, as he was bound to), there had been something about this boy. It had been impossible to tell in this moment, but that day at Dalton, when they’d sung Uptown Girl, was the point that had damned him.

He’d known from the beginning that it would never lead to anything. As much as he flirted, Blaine was just too good to be tempted. At least back then. And when it mattered, Sebastian hadn’t been there, hadn’t been ready. Another screw up.

He had found his peace with the fact that Blaine would always be the one that got away. At the latest when he helped Blaine with the proposal, he must have known this would never happen. He’d distanced himself, not ready to confront the fact just why it had hurt this much. He’d heard about the wedding through other warblers but had tried to avoid details. It was ridiculous to be hurt that Blaine got married. They’d never been more to each other than a maybe.

And yet, their time had come.

When they’d started reconnecting, Blaine’s marriage was failing already. Both of them had been busy with rehearsals, plays, auditions… all those problems on top of a few very fundamental ones had corroded the relationship, worse than anything Sebastian could have come up with.

A divorce had been inevitable, really.

Sometimes, Sebastian liked to think he was a part of what broke them apart, that he meant this much to Blaine at least. But he knows they had enough problems not to need him at all. He pretended not to be disappointed.

It didn’t matter the first time Blaine appeared at his doorstep, too lonely and desperate to make it through another night on his own.

It didn’t matter when he managed to take the other man apart in ways he clearly hadn’t experienced before.

It didn’t matter when he woke to Blaine curled around him like ivy.

It didn’t matter, as long as he didn’t think about it.

_Doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you_.

It only became a problem when he had time to think things through. It wasn’t a problem in the time when he was awake and Blaine still asleep, the puffs of his breath ghosting over Sebastian’s skin. It was fine when Blaine woke up, and looked up at him with this drowsy look, as if he didn’t have a concern in the world. But sooner or later, Blaine would leave, and Sebastian would be alone with his thoughts.

It had never been a problem, until it suddenly was. And Sebastian didn’t even understand why it bothered him. This was going well. He had finally gotten the one that got away into bed, they saw each other on a semi-regular basis, the sex was amazing, and even the time they spent together with clothes on was surprisingly satisfying. Blaine was probably his best friend. Maybe the only friend, at least the only person Sebastian let this close. A best friend with benefits. It should be the ideal arrangement.

And still, somehow, his world was getting darker, bleaker, even when things were supposed to be looking better.

There was nothing wrong with his life. His family was growing closer, mostly to his sister’s never-ending attempts to get him and his father to sit down and talk, which had finally been fruitful thanks to the involvement of Evelyn, of all people. So now, Sebastian was repairing his relationship with his father at least. He liked his job, was actually making progress at the newspaper. He saw his friends, went to the gym… It was all fine. It all paled in comparison to those stolen hours when he could pretend Blaine was actually his.

So yes, it wasn’t sustainable. He should have seen the crash coming miles away.

It went like this.

Outside, the rain was pelting against the window, promising nothing but grey and freezing cold. It didn’t matter, not with the soft lighting of his bedside lamp, with Blaine’s body weighing him down like a blanket, a sheen of sweat on his bare skin, his breathing slowly returning to normal. The world could end out there, he wouldn’t care.

But reality was a bitch and wouldn’t let him get away with this anyway. Soon, too soon, Blaine pressed kisses to his jaw, which once Sebastian would have thought a sweet gesture, but by now knew meant that he was getting ready to leave. He indulged himself to pull Blaine close, into a real kiss, that would let him pretend for another short moment this was more than just sex. He missed the time when that had been all he wanted.

Being nice really sucked.

“I have to go,” Blaine said, looking at him as if he never wanted to get out of bed. He got up anyway.

Sebastian lay back, barely even watching as Blaine started putting his clothes back on. It wasn’t personal, he knew that. Blaine had to be at the theater in a few hours, he couldn’t spend the rest of the day doing nothing, like Sebastian could. He probably shouldn’t, but right now he really didn’t feel like moving.

Blaine was looking around for something, and finally with a choked laughter walked over to Sebastian’s desk where his cardigan had somehow ended up.

And then, he stopped, his eyes falling to something else lying on the desk. Sebastian propped himself up on his elbows, and he could just so see the edges of the golden envelope.

“Your dad is getting married again?” Blaine asked. There was a note in his voice that Sebastian couldn’t quite figure out.

“Next month,” Sebastian said with a shrug, not sure why Blaine would care. “I guess it’s going to be at least a decent party.”

Blaine’s hand was hovering over the envelope, as if he wanted to touch it but wasn’t sure he should. “You didn’t RSVP,” he said.

Something froze inside Sebastian. He’d sat in front of the damn card dozens of times, his pen hovering over it, when he couldn’t bring himself to check whether he’d be going alone or with a plus one. He’d surprised himself with how badly he’d wanted to bring Blaine. But that wasn’t what they were, you didn’t bring a friend with benefits to a family wedding. And Blaine certainly wasn’t his boyfriend.

“They know I’m coming,” Sebastian said with a shrug, trying to sound dismissive. “And I honestly don’t care that much if they’re serving me fish or chicken or whatever.”

“I see,” Blaine said, still looking at the card, before turning back with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well, I better get going.”

It would be easy to just say it, ask Blaine to come with him, casually. He’d probably say yes, if only for his manners or because he genuinely liked weddings despite his own disaster of a marriage. And then, Sebastian would actually spend his father’s second wedding with Blaine as his date, so close to what he really wanted, the whole day a reminder of what they were not. It would be painful.

He wanted it anyway.

So instead, he lay back down and stared at the ceiling, listening to the door close, and he was left with nothing but the sound of rain, and his own thoughts.

Maybe he should have known then. But it still took over a week before it came to a head.

They were at a little café, the whole place so saccharine that Sebastian felt pre-diabetic before even looking at their pastries, but that Blaine had read great reviews for. They often did that, trying out new coffee places, as Blaine claimed he couldn’t return to his former favorites – too many memories tied to them. Sebastian didn’t quite get why he didn’t just pick something close to his work, but really, he liked that it had somehow become a thing for them.

What he didn’t expect was to run into Evelyn, waiting by the side of the counter and eying the pastries in the display case. When she heard someone else enter, she looked up, smiling with recognition, and greeted him.

And then, she looked to his side.

“Oh, you must be Blaine! I’ve heard so much about you.”

Sebastian could just so suppress an expression of panic on his face, as Blaine looked to him quickly, certainly surprised by this revelation. He didn’t even know where she was going with it, really. He couldn’t remember talking about Blaine in front of her aside from an occasional mention.

“Colette talks about you all the time,” Evelyn said, with a wink to Sebastian.

So he’d need to have a conversation with his sister, wonderful. She’d call him an idiot again and tell him to just get over himself and tell Blaine how he felt, knowing full well he’d bite his tongue off first.

“This is Evelyn, my dad’s fiancée,” Sebastian introduced them.

“So nice to meet you,” Blaine said, impeccable manners as always. “And congratulations.”

“What brings you here?” Sebastian asked.

“Still looking for the perfect wedding cake,” Evelyn said. “I’ll tell you, when this whole thing is over, I’ll sleep for a week straight. Do you have any idea how many things there are to organize?”

“Yeah,” Blaine said, a shudder running through him.

“But it’ll be worth it,” Evelyn said with a smile. “Will you two be able to make it, though? I don’t think we got your RSVP yet.”

Sebastian froze, cursing himself for not seeing the conversation would get into this direction. He didn’t dare to look to Blane, knowing that what he really thought had to be broadcast over his whole face.

Evelyn’s smile started to drop, as she clearly sensed she had said something wrong, but before she could say anything else, she was called in by one of the employees.

For a moment, they stood in awkward silence. Sebastian was still searching for the best thing to say to overplay the awkwardness of the situation, but Blaine recovered sooner.

“She seems nice. So, should we get a table or-“

“I want you to come.”

Sebastian hadn’t meant to say it, but he wasn’t quite surprised that it had burst out. It had only been a matter of time, really.

Blaine’s expression clouded. Instead of answering, he took Sebastian’s arm and led him to a table. Once they sat down, he still wouldn’t meet Sebastian’s eye.

“It’s a family wedding,” he said, his voice soft and his expression guarded. “That’s not something you bring just anyone to. I mean… we’re not dating, Sebastian. I understand that. You don’t have to invite me just because she’s making any assumptions.”

“That’s not why… I just…” He didn’t know what to say, didn’t even know what he wanted to say. And the dumbest thing was, Blaine had given him an out, would still let him get away with not having a conversation. It was just that he was so tired of this.

“Sebastian?”

He looked up now, at the firm expression on Blaine’s face, that he actually needed a moment to recognize as a mask – just a hint of more tumultuous emotions behind those amber eyes.

“It’s fine,” Blaine said, shooting him a smile, and Sebastian knew.

He could let it go right now.

“It’s not fine,” he said.

Blaine looked at him, the mask slipping, and something akin to pleading in his eyes, but Sebastian couldn’t keep doing this.

“I want you there. And not just as a friend, or someone I’m sleeping with. I want you there, because…” he stopped, and everything in him tried to fight it, but that was the point of ignoring things until they exploded. A crash was inevitable.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said. “Nothing ever makes me as happy as being around you. I actually like myself when I’m with you. When you walk out the door, I swear the damn color drains from my life, and I can’t stop wishing for you to just turn back around and see it. And I was fucking fine before you came back in my life, and now it’s… it’s all about you, and I hate that it’s not… that I don’t actually have you. That’s why I want you there. Because I love you.”

His whole mouth tasted bitter, like bile, and he wished he could disappear. He looked away, couldn’t stand to see the expression on Blaine’s face change. How did he ever even end up in this situation? He’d known that was how attachments worked. He’d only end up getting hurt, and…

“Is that really so bad?”

Blaine’s voice was small, insecure, and not at all what Sebastian expected. He looked up and was surprised that Blaine looked… hurt.

“I mean… I know you have your issues with relationships and letting yourself be vulnerable around people. That’s why I’ve been so careful not to push you into anything. I just… there’s something, isn’t there? Always been. And I thought… when we reconnected, and when we started seeing each other, I thought this is going somewhere. Slowly, sure. Cause you have your hang-ups, and I was just getting a divorce, but… you know. Somewhere.”

Sebastian stared at him. It felt like he had stepped into an alternate dimension. How wrong had he been here?

“Wait… you want this to go somewhere?” he asked. His voice sounded vulnerable in a way he didn’t know from himself, and he hated it – almost as much as that spark of hope he felt flaring up inside him.

“Imagine that,” Blaine said, one corner of his mouth quirking up in a smile that looked way too bitter. “Maybe I am a fool…”

“But… I want that, too.”

Now, Blaine met his eye, and Sebastian saw the glint of tears. “Do you? Because… it doesn’t feel like it.”

“I just said…”

“I know what you said,” Blaine said, “you say you love me, and it sounds like you hate that. Like you’d cut the emotion out of your heart if you could. So, excuse me for not being exactly over the moon.”

A part of Sebastian wanted to turn and run. What chance did they have anyway, if the first conversation about their feelings left both of them hurt and raw?

Maybe he was too stubborn, maybe he really had more issues than he thought, if the image of Blaine’s misery was what made him held on. Sebastian never wanted to see him upset, but to imagine that he actually meant enough to affect Blaine, and this much…

The hope flared.

“I gave up on you,” he said, “on the idea that you could ever want me. I told myself you’d never choose me, and I taught myself to be fine with it. But having you around, and letting myself imagine what could be… I loved that, but I knew it was just a fantasy, and it sucked, and it hurt. That’s the part I’d want to cut out.”

Blaine was still looking unsure. “Did you ever consider talking to me about this?”

“I mean… I was pretty sure on how that would go,” Sebastian said.

Blaine was watching him, but eventually, his shoulders sagged. “Yeah…” he relented. “So was I.”

It almost felt like they were on the same page, or at least within the same chapter. “We’re a mess, huh?”

Blaine snorted, but at least it seemed more amused than upset. “I’m just saying, with this level of communication we won’t make it till Christmas.”

“That’s something we could work on, though,” Sebastian said carefully.

Blaine was watching him, as if he was looking for something in his face. Eventually, though, a smile started to grow in his face. “Okay.”

And that was it, so simple, so ridiculous, that Sebastian couldn’t help himself, he had to laugh. All his worrying, driving himself crazy over this, when it could have been so easy… Blaine, too, seemed to see the absurdity of the conversation, as he too started laughing.

That was how Evelyn found them when she came back out, sitting close together with coffee in front of them, their hands intertwined on the table, and still laughing from time to time.

Sebastian knew this wasn’t a guarantee. They could still crash and burn, there were so many things he could possibly mess up. But just to think that they had a chance…

Yes, he thought as they walked back home, allowed to put an arm around Blaine’s waist and hold him close as they walked. This he could believe in.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> on tumblr as imogenlefay


End file.
